Comedic Financial Analyst Pillows

"Tut! You've tapped in the wrong number again!"

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

"You have $3,098 in the bank? I'm impressed! So...do you think about investing it?"

Monkey Business College

At The Clown Bank.

"So that's my presentation: Could I have 100 million for the startup?"

'One day son, all of this will be yours.'

Royal Mail Privatisation

"There's a worry that if we impose rules on hedge funds they may leave the UK..."

Invested pot of gold in the stock market.

'We finally found a way to break the deadlock in our negotiations. I'll need a deck of cards and some poker chips.'

"Honey, I'm home."

"What??? For that money I used to get at least a judge, a congressman, and a city councilman!!"

'Fortunately, I'm serving, concurrently, both my interest and principle.'

'In the eventuality of a double dip...'

"The pound is reaching parity with Liz Truss."

'And the largest slice is mine.'

'That's our quilt edged investments sorted.'

'...You are on a waiting list to be ill.'

I don't mind you being the butch one in our relationship, but must you keep leaving the toilet seat up?

"I'm thinking of investing. Do you invest?"

'I wear the pants in this family!'

"Whew, I'm glad it's a jobless recovery."

The immortal philosopher Murphy sets pen to paper...

'Need some money for a facelift, I presume?'

IRS - 'You had NO earned income last year?', 'That's what my boss said.'

'I'm sorry dear, I'm going to live by myself, I need to economise!'

"I only swallowed a 10p piece. Why are you making me cough up £50?"

Surveying and statistics sections in a Library.