Comedic Healthcare Analyst Pillows

'We've already restructured, reorganised, reformed and reformatted...so we've only got fucking it up left.'

'...You are on a waiting list to be ill.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Wow! That yogapilates has really paid off!'

Safe spaces?

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

"Tut! You've tapped in the wrong number again!"

Flying Ear Specialist

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

"It's a simple stress test - I do your blood work, send it to the lab, and never get back to you with the results."

"A specialist is a doctor with a smaller practice and a bigger home."

"Honey, I'm home."

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

'Surgery is being outsourced now to a shop just down the block.'

Nurses in short supply.

'I'm happy to say this makes grim reading.'

I don't mind you being the butch one in our relationship, but must you keep leaving the toilet seat up?

The immortal philosopher Murphy sets pen to paper...

"Well, yes, high heels do often cause foot problems..."

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

Boomers.

After record low admission levels, Private Hospitals began to run 'edgy' ad campaigns

"Since this whole COVID thing I've had to adjust my practice."

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"