Comedic Litigator Pillows

Portrait of a Serial Attorney.

What do you mean, "Did I try anything funny?"

'First, I'd like to list the mitigating circumstances.'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

'Remember his weakness is a pulled tendon, so keep it as high as your bursitis will let you, but take it easy with your fast ball because of my bone chips.'

Man fights with his shadow.

'I'm afraid I'll have to sentence you to five years, but you have been a beautiful defendant.'

Chemical Lawyers.

'We would like you to accompany us to the station, sir!'

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

Dicorce lawyer: 'I can't promise you custody of your money. But I'll make darn sure you get full visitation rights!'

"I'm running for city council and I'd like to kiss that baby."

"I know what Ally McBeal would do."

"It's time to go home and put our parents into a panic over the upcoming back to school shopping season..."

"I fear the IRS doesn't share your view that tall men should pay more taxes."

"Tuesday is out, I have a coding class."

"As a judge, I have always treated colleagues and litigants with the utmost respect! I have been known for my courtesy on and off the bench!"

'...then the drone blasts the back wall of the bank.'

'Slight problem - we didn't make the knife screening arch wide enough!'

"Hi Mom - Did you get my subpoena?"

"I'm in debt up to my eyes. Only my hat is paid for!"

'How could I have driven at 50mph? I've only been in the car for five minutes.'

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one "bad dog" is sufficient."

"We couldn't get any surprise witnesses, but I booked Jay Leno to tell a few jokes on your behalf."

'I think they go too far sometimes.'

'No, no. Take this brand. Their user manuals are available online.'

'The Warden said you're to stop renting out the security video of your bank robbery.'