Comedic Litigator Gifts

Portrait of a Serial Attorney.

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

What do you mean, "Did I try anything funny?"

'First, I'd like to list the mitigating circumstances.'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

Armstrong, the new Ybox game console comes out next week. I've got to get in line at Computer Villa. Nope. You are callous and inhumane. Fortunately, I have a backup plan. Computer Villa sale! If anyone cuts, chew their nose off.

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Lawyer

'Remember his weakness is a pulled tendon, so keep it as high as your bursitis will let you, but take it easy with your fast ball because of my bone chips.'

Man fights with his shadow.

'I'm afraid I'll have to sentence you to five years, but you have been a beautiful defendant.'

'We would like you to accompany us to the station, sir!'

Chemical Lawyers.

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

Dicorce lawyer: 'I can't promise you custody of your money. But I'll make darn sure you get full visitation rights!'

"I know what Ally McBeal would do."

"I fear the IRS doesn't share your view that tall men should pay more taxes."

"It's time to go home and put our parents into a panic over the upcoming back to school shopping season..."

'Hey! Knock it off, will ya?'

"I'm running for city council and I'd like to kiss that baby."

Haven't your eyes gotten tired of reading after 150 years? If you're waiting for that to get a rise out of me

'...then the drone blasts the back wall of the bank.'

'Slight problem - we didn't make the knife screening arch wide enough!'

"Tuesday is out, I have a coding class."

"Hi Mom - Did you get my subpoena?"

"I'm in debt up to my eyes. Only my hat is paid for!"

"As a judge, I have always treated colleagues and litigants with the utmost respect! I have been known for my courtesy on and off the bench!"

'How could I have driven at 50mph? I've only been in the car for five minutes.'

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one "bad dog" is sufficient."

"We couldn't get any surprise witnesses, but I booked Jay Leno to tell a few jokes on your behalf."

'No, no. Take this brand. Their user manuals are available online.'

Can I get some tech support? Sure, what's up? I was trying to hack into a credit card company to steal some Visa numbers and the computer froze up. I am not going to pay for this session! Although Ms. Smith of Blueridge Lane might pay for it. This is not funny.

'I think they go too far sometimes.'