Comedian's Confidant Pillows

'You have OCD.'

'I'm happy you brought a friend, but did she have to be a lesbian?'

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

"Listen, and I'll explain it to you again..."

'Now boarding all passengers in the middle class.'

"I touched another squirrel's nuts. Any other questions?"

'I'm sick and tired of begging!'

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

Stock Wanted

'Having conducted a comprehensive review of your business strategy and financial forecasts...'

'We're not playing hide and seek. I'm just trying to find Marm to take him to the vet.'

"I'm getting the hang of this wake up every morning, and do basically the same thing with different complaints until I die."

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

Father and son watching a TV sitcom

Deadly Sins Dept. Envy. Lust. Sloth. Pride. Greed. Wrath. Gluttony. At times it seems like it should be, but "oversharing" is not a deadly sin.

"Do you want my opinion as an art critic or as your best friend?"

"There's a man at the door with a wooden leg."

"That's very deep house."

"I need to lay off those seven birthday cakes a year."

'Sorry I'm late: It's hard to keep track of time when you work in complete darkness...'

'What fresh hell is this? I just spent 50 grand on hair plugs.'

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

'Your father told you to look both ways when crossing a four lane highway?'

'It's no good telling me to eat my grees, Mum. You know I'm colour blind.'

"We heard you were dying in here."

For the last time, yes, he's still following you.

"We're all out of trolleys so you're going to hell in a handbasket."

"Relax, release and let go...."

I know it's been ages since my last confession, but I trust you've been getting my texts?