Comedian's Ally Pillows

"Relax, release and let go...."

Stock Wanted

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

Rap music

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

A private jet takes off

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

Rodin's Thinker.

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

Exit Next Left

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

Clubbing

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

Midwest Winter Items.

Ostrich's head buried into a pile of sand containing a woman