Comedic Family Member Pillows

'I don't think she wears a bra anymore!'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

Man wearing T-Shirt saying 'Dog's Best Friend'

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

"I think what he's trying to tell you, dear, is that he doesn't quite care for the cheaper dog food!"

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

Overprotective Father

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

'Do you have to do that every time?'

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

"I only know 'Sit' and 'Stay.' "

Brenda lost not only the egg toss, but something much, much more.

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

"Is that your resting witch or resting bitch face. . .?"

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

20 Volts for Wavy Hair, 50 Volts for Frizzy Hair, 100 Volts for Curly Hair and 500 Volts for Hair beyond description.

"If only the men could see my fun side."

'I think you may have over done the pelvic floor exercise!'

'My parents are having a fight right now.'

"I always take an interest in my husband's hobbies. . . that's why I hired a private detective. . ."

'It's called a monogram, not a shirt tattoo.'

"Mom said to make sure you don't goof up shopping online."