Comedic Family Member Pillows

'I don't think she wears a bra anymore!'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

Man wearing T-Shirt saying 'Dog's Best Friend'

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

"I think what he's trying to tell you, dear, is that he doesn't quite care for the cheaper dog food!"

Inside voice!

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

Overprotective Father

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

'Do you have to do that every time?'

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

"Is that your resting witch or resting bitch face. . .?"

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

"I only know 'Sit' and 'Stay.' "

Brenda lost not only the egg toss, but something much, much more.

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

20 Volts for Wavy Hair, 50 Volts for Frizzy Hair, 100 Volts for Curly Hair and 500 Volts for Hair beyond description.

"If only the men could see my fun side."

'I think you may have over done the pelvic floor exercise!'

"I always take an interest in my husband's hobbies. . . that's why I hired a private detective. . ."

'It's called a monogram, not a shirt tattoo.'

"What is it with you and your baggy clothes?"