Comedic Family Dynamics Pillows

'C'mon, Dad, let me borrow it. I'll be careful. I won't scratch it. What harm can come to a credit card?'

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

Inside voice!

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

Overprotective Father

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

They Removed my Brain.

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

"But if I close the drawer, won't my breathable underwear suffocate?"

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

Meals on Heels.

"On the other hand, Timmy. Fear of failure has kept daddy from ever being seriously injured."

"I ate something that strongly disagreed with me!"

"Get another cab, Dad. This one is creepin' me out."

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

'He has so much stuff, toys and gadgets so now we punish him by sending him to our room.'

'Dads On Steroids' Dad swung his child through fence accidentally.

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

"This is our adoptive son. We found him in the cellar where he was raised by spiders."

"Dad, tell me about the birds and the bees and safeguards."

'How about some marital counselling, hon? Should we grab some while we're in this aisle?' 'No, we're fine on that.'