Comedic Parent Pillows

'I think you may have over done the pelvic floor exercise!'

"Are you all right dad?"

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

'You should have explained that stuff about the birds and the bees to her instead of me.'

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"Wow, that's a lot of channels for such a little TV."

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'Fetch.'

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

Man wearing T-Shirt saying 'Dog's Best Friend'

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

"I think what he's trying to tell you, dear, is that he doesn't quite care for the cheaper dog food!"

Pregnant man: 'My water just broke! False alarm. Just spilled my brewski.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

They Removed my Brain.

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

'Do you have to do that every time?'

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

Meals on Heels.

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

'He has so much stuff, toys and gadgets so now we punish him by sending him to our room.'

'Dads On Steroids' Dad swung his child through fence accidentally.

'Whoa! Slow down, kids! Your mom will neuter me if I bring you home with stomachaches from eating too much of that junk.'