Comedically Inclined Parent Pillows

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

'Fetch.'

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

'Don't worry about gaining weight after the baby - you'll run it off during the toddler years.'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

'My mum drives me to school. She says it isn't safe to walk with all the cars.'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

Mother changing the words to 'this little piggy' to be more healthy

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

They Removed my Brain.

"What fly?"

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"How many more times, you've got hayfever, so no, you can't have any cannabis oil."

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"Can you test for broccoli and brussels sprouts too?"

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

'Haven't you heard that hypernutrition in the first years can lead to obesity in later life.'

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.