Comedic Parents Pillows

'We punish them equally, Marge, but we favor the boy.'

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

'A little to the left dear. The one with your eyes and my nose...'

'It's called a monogram, not a shirt tattoo.'

A 'Baby Store,' and a 'Things That Lodge in Baby's Throat Store.'

"Why are we late everywhere we go?"

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'Fetch.'

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

Man wearing T-Shirt saying 'Dog's Best Friend'

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

Pregnant man: 'My water just broke! False alarm. Just spilled my brewski.'

"I think what he's trying to tell you, dear, is that he doesn't quite care for the cheaper dog food!"

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

They Removed my Brain.

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

Inside voice!

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

Meals on Heels.

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

'Dads On Steroids' Dad swung his child through fence accidentally.