Comedic Parenting Pillows

'Dads On Steroids' Dad swung his child through fence accidentally.

'Punish us if you must, Dad, but who will you get to tie your shoe laces for you?'

'He has so much stuff, toys and gadgets so now we punish him by sending him to our room.'

'Fetch.'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

'Oh Darling look. He's got your colour boogies!'

'Oh wonderful! All day I've been waiting for that burp!'

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

Pregnant man: 'My water just broke! False alarm. Just spilled my brewski.'

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

They Removed my Brain.

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

"I'll leave the door open and the hallway light on, but you're much too old to need an attorney in your room."

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

"I think our bundle of joy needs his mommy, dear!"

Meals on Heels.

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

'Are you crazy! The nest is made of dry grass and twigs: Smoking is a massive fire harzard!'

'I think you may have over done the pelvic floor exercise!'

"For the last time, stand up straight and wipe your carrot."

Baby Teething.

'Whoa! Slow down, kids! Your mom will neuter me if I bring you home with stomachaches from eating too much of that junk.'

'Where did you find a jar with a childproof lid?'

Free Range Cow

'It's called a monogram, not a shirt tattoo.'

"I wish you had a convenient carrying handle."