Comedic Parenthood Appreciator Pillows

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

'Fetch.'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

Pregnant man: 'My water just broke! False alarm. Just spilled my brewski.'

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

Maternity Arrivals

Inside voice!

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

They Removed my Brain.

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

Baby Wind Up.

'They can be so modest at this age.'

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

Meals on Heels.

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'more pain relief....for me!'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

Speeding pram with mum hanging on.

What a nice thing to say! Thanks for calling. What's up? Jan said Twig was a terrific babysitter. No surprise. Click. But then she said something odd. About MY daughter? When she got home, their house was spotless. Maybe it was a different "Twig."

'Dads On Steroids' Dad swung his child through fence accidentally.