Comedic Household Dynamics Appreciator Pillows

"This happens every time someone wants to speak to the head of the household."

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

"Oh, how I wish the season would start!"

The revenge of Russell

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'Now, our master is always polite and leaves the seat up for us, not like our Mistress...'

"The groceries are in the car."

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

"You should always stretch before engaging in strenuous activity."

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

'I've been disrespectful again, Dad.'

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

'..the sound of no hands clapping...'

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"On the other hand, Timmy. Fear of failure has kept daddy from ever being seriously injured."

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

'Thank you, my dear, for taking the runt of my litter in holy matrimony...'

'Creative right?'

A man opens his curtains to wake up his cats.

The Family Joules: Part 8

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

'Any chance of getting a financial advance on my loose tooth?'

'Watch your step. I happen to know you're an alpha male.'

'Explain to me again how a trip to the mall to buy shoelaces resulted in this!'

A truck full of radioactive waste with no particular place to go...

"Mom, Dad, am I adopted?"

We never go out anymore.

Swiss Army General.

"My mom has a new boyfriend, my dad has a new girlfriend and all I got was a new therapist."

I'm the gorilla's nuts... I'm the dog's bo****ks... He's never been good at hiding his light under a bushel.

'My parents are having a fight right now.'