Comedic Parenthood Appreciator Gifts

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

'Fetch.'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

Pregnant man: 'My water just broke! False alarm. Just spilled my brewski.'

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"We've completely child-proofed our home."

Maternity Arrivals

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

They Removed my Brain.

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

'They can be so modest at this age.'

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

Baby Wind Up.

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

Meals on Heels.

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

Speeding pram with mum hanging on.

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'more pain relief....for me!'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'