Comedic Parenting Insights Gifts

Meals on Heels.

'Fetch.'

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

Pregnant man: 'My water just broke! False alarm. Just spilled my brewski.'

They Removed my Brain.

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

'He has so much stuff, toys and gadgets so now we punish him by sending him to our room.'

'Dads On Steroids' Dad swung his child through fence accidentally.

'Are you crazy! The nest is made of dry grass and twigs: Smoking is a massive fire harzard!'

'I think you may have over done the pelvic floor exercise!'

Free Range Cow

'Whoa! Slow down, kids! Your mom will neuter me if I bring you home with stomachaches from eating too much of that junk.'

'It's called a monogram, not a shirt tattoo.'

"I wish you had a convenient carrying handle."

'Where did you find a jar with a childproof lid?'

'You should have explained that stuff about the birds and the bees to her instead of me.'

A 'Baby Store,' and a 'Things That Lodge in Baby's Throat Store.'