Comedic Parenting Insights Gifts

Meals on Heels.

'Fetch.'

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

Pregnant man: 'My water just broke! False alarm. Just spilled my brewski.'

They Removed my Brain.

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

Inside voice!

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

'And this is the person who will feed you, clothe you and pay for your education.'

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

'Dads On Steroids' Dad swung his child through fence accidentally.

'He has so much stuff, toys and gadgets so now we punish him by sending him to our room.'

'Are you crazy! The nest is made of dry grass and twigs: Smoking is a massive fire harzard!'

"Dad, I need some help - what's 4 x 4?"

'I think you may have over done the pelvic floor exercise!'

"I wish you had a convenient carrying handle."

Free Range Cow

'It's called a monogram, not a shirt tattoo.'

Mrs. Ginder like to subtly call attention to those students who performed poorly on her tests.

'Whoa! Slow down, kids! Your mom will neuter me if I bring you home with stomachaches from eating too much of that junk.'

'Where did you find a jar with a childproof lid?'

'You should have explained that stuff about the birds and the bees to her instead of me.'