Comedic Companionship Gifts

"Of course you know nothing about me, whenever I try to tell you something you fall asleep!"

"I heard they mate for life."

Get crazy once in a while

'Well if I'm so 'bloody useless' perhaps you'd better read the map!'

Diving Cat.

Of course your master calls you 'Man's best friend'. As your attorney I advise you to get it in writing.

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Best friends without borders.

I'm getting old, I spotted a couple of brown hairs among the punk.

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

'Well, given that you have three broken ribs, laughing is bound to be painful...'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

"It's our latest celebrity scent, it's called Elon Musk. It smells like money!"

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

"Listen, and I'll explain it to you again..."

"I touched another squirrel's nuts. Any other questions?"

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

'Nice this kite sailboat. But how do you actually land it?'

'I'm sick and tired of begging!'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

'Hey, would you mind stirring your Ovaltine somewhere else?!'

Zoology. Cheetahs can reach speeds up to sixty miles an hour! Amazing, and yet they never win!

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

"Sure, it's disgusting, but it's nice to have something that needs me."

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

McHappy

Searching for condom.