Comedic Partner Gifts

'I wasn't in a bar!! I smell like smoke because I've been going down chimneys all flippin' night!'

Searching for condom.

'Marriage gives me special privileges you know.' - 'Yes, but only with your own wife.'

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

Diving Cat.

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

"The blow drier is broken."

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

"You lick, I'll dry."

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

'We finally found a way to break the deadlock in our negotiations. I'll need a deck of cards and some poker chips.'

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

'How about some marital counselling, hon? Should we grab some while we're in this aisle?' 'No, we're fine on that.'

'My dad warned me about fellas like you!'

"You bring the tequila, and I'll bring the Lyme."

'Why don't you put your money in the Bank, instead of stuffing it under the mattress?'