Comedic Matchmaker Gifts

COMPUTER DATING SERVICE, 'How about a nice fixer-upper?'

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

Asking out a palm reader.

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

The Tennis Racket in the Stone

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'This one writes some fine lyrics, and the other one has composed some beautiful music, but they just done't seem to hit it off as collaborators.'

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

"The big challenge now is to get them to mate in captivity."

"Of all the finger-painting classes in all the day-care centers in all the world, you had to walk into mine."

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

"He'd torch the castle and I'd rescue the damsel."

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

Romance Music

'Aunt Val's pretty cool. . . Kind of hot actually. . . for an older lady.'

Witch in bed reading: 'The Joy of Hex'.

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

Online Dating

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."

A dog cupid flies an arrow after a dog jumping on a random man's leg.

Searching for condom.

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

"I'm steelbuns 1995, you must be teen angle 1999."