Churchgoer In Stitches Gifts

"I really envy my left foot...it slept through his entire sermon!"

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

'Let us pray...'

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"I have an app for that."

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

United Church of OMG

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

CCTV in church.

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"Amen. Please help me up."

Baptism Then and Now

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"