Churchgoer In Stitches Pillows

"I really envy my left foot...it slept through his entire sermon!"

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

Priest

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Let us pray...'

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

Baptism Then and Now

United Church of OMG

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

"I have an app for that."

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

CCTV in church.

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"Amen. Please help me up."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"