Church-goer With A Twist Pillows

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

'I think I just blew my diet. Do you know what the glycemic index is for a communion host?'

"OK, so you've told us what God thinks... but now I'd like to know what YOU think!"

Man waiting to receive communion drinks soda

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Priest

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'Let us pray...'

Verger Works

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"I have an app for that."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Baptism Then and Now

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"Amen. Please help me up."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation