Church Personnel Gifts

Bishops teacosy.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"We missed you at church Sunday."

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

CCTV in church.

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

Midwest Winter Items.

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Nun Binning the Devil

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

"It's a cup holder."

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

Church Restoration Fund.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.