Church Maintenance Staff Gifts

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

Nun Binning the Devil

CCTV in church.

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

Religious Maintenance: 24 Hr Callout.

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

Painter removes 'wet paint' sign from park bench and replaces it with a 'dry paint' sign.

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

"It's a cup holder."

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."