Church Maintenance Staff Gifts

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

CCTV in church.

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Nun Binning the Devil

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Painter removes 'wet paint' sign from park bench and replaces it with a 'dry paint' sign.

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

"It's a cup holder."

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

Religious Maintenance: 24 Hr Callout.

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."