Church Attendant Gifts

"Now comes the downside to this job - I need the toilet!"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

Nun Binning the Devil

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

CCTV in church.

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Religious Maintenance: 24 Hr Callout.

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

"It's a cup holder."

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."