Church Employee Gifts

'It's an innovative way to boost attendance.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

CCTV in church.

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Nun Binning the Devil

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

"It's a cup holder."

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

Four Chanting Monks

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'