Church Workers Gifts

Baptism - "Actually he's quite looking forward to it."

Deliverance

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

A child interrupting family prayers

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

St. Elmo's fired.

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

Nun Binning the Devil

CCTV in church.

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

"It's a cup holder."

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

Four Chanting Monks