Parish Worker Gifts

A shy parish cleric seeking to talk business with a lady

church

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

Cleric with bible briefcase.

A child interrupting family prayers

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

St. Elmo's fired.

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Nun Binning the Devil

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

CCTV in church.

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

"It's a cup holder."

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

"As slim as your chances are for salvation, it's nice to see you keep trying."

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"We're callin' 'im Bill, coz he came at the end of the month"