Parish Life Gifts

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

'Life is great' down on the farm.

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Country Bumpkin.

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"That's our new church mascot."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Verger Works

Monk Prompt

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

Nun Binning the Devil

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Baptism Then and Now

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'