Church Life Gifts

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"God's love is unconditional. But you must act now. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. Void where prohibited by law."

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

'Once, just once, I'd like to use dribble glasses for communion. How about you?'

Vicar's wife to vicar - "And if you can't be good, be careful!"

Nun Binning the Devil

"Patience, you can have it back in a minute..."

"God really must love the poor - he made so many of them."

"Once again, I'm your pastor, not your guru."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."