Church Services Gifts

The eulogy was beautiful, although the question-answer period was rather odd.

'And he said, Come unto me, for it's not what you know, but who you know.'

'I think I can speak for the Bishop, when I say...'

How's my sermon. . .

"First, you have to get their attention."

'I hate it when the organist is away on holiday'

Man in church sees sign: Thank you for not yawning.

'In conclusion, it's more blessed to give than retrieve.'

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"How's my praying?"

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

"Let us bow our heads, turn off our cell phones, and pray."

Drive-Thru Church Service

"One god... one church... one collection."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

Regular Sermons - Fire & Brimstone Sermons

". . . plus % entertainment tax."

"You must forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles... Does the best man have the ring?"

"Trying to explain the difference between praise and worship."

"Not that his sermons aren't full of fire and brimstone... but his congregation comes out as 'bored again Christians'!"

'Did you wash your hands?'

"And now let us pray for middlemen everywhere."

Vicar preaching at pulpit

How's my Sermon . . .

'Hi! I'm Pastor Bancroft and I'll be tying the knot this evening.'

'Not bad - a bit preachy.'

"He takes his role as a funeral director very seriously."

I'm not pontificiating, am I?

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

'In view of the clampdown on hate preaching, maybe just a tad less fire and brimstone in Sunday's sermon, perhaps?'

'If I wouldn't have yelled fire, he'd still be talking.'

"That was one #!@* good sermon preacher!"