Church Service Gifts

"I was comped."

'My prayers don't seem to get any feedback.'

"Announcements about the Youth Club, Senoirs Club, Woman's Club, & Twelve Steps Programs are so long, I'll dispense with my sermon."

"Last week's sermon about inclusion and diversity seems to have struck a chord."

'Once, just once, I'd like to use dribble glasses for communion. How about you?'

"The time has come to reflect and ask ourselves... 'what would Jesus tweet?'"

"Good sermon, Reverend, but all that God stuff was pretty far-fetched."

"The new trend in worship services is replacing smoke machines with anti-virus fumigators."

"He sounds just like he does on the radio."

"We ran out of bread, so its croutons for communion."

"Give us this day our daily bread...and maybe a nice dip to go with it..."

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

"After the traditional service make sure you replace the styrofoam coffee cups with paper ones with the fancy sleeves before the contemporary service people arrive."

"Anyone not turning off their phones will be appointed to solicit parishioners for our fund drive."

"I have sent you all an e-mail of today's text if you wish to follow along."

"Fantastic service, lousy food."

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

'I didn't think your sermon was that good!'

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

"If the meek inherit the earth, what about the apathetic?"

'Did the whale swallow Jonah? Will Jonah escape? What will happen next? Don't miss next Sunday's thrilling episode.'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'AAAA. . . wait for it. . . wait for it. . . MEN!'

Church Seats

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Priest's 'To do' list.

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'