Church-related Activities Gifts

'What p***es me off the most about all this is that I used to enjoy church barbecues...'

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Priest

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Monk Prompt

Verger Works

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"That's our new church mascot."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

How's my sermon. . .

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'