Church-related Activities Pillows

'What p***es me off the most about all this is that I used to enjoy church barbecues...'

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Priest

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Monk Prompt

Verger Works

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"That's our new church mascot."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

How's my sermon. . .

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

Baptism Then and Now

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Midwest Winter Items.

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'