Sunday Services Gifts

Our grandfathers called it the Sabbath, our fathers called it Sunday... And we call it the weekend.

First Church: Thy shalt not blog against thy neighbor.

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

'I'm not going to bore you with a long sermon to-day - here's one I recorded earlier...'

"And now..the sermon on the mount."

'Well, at least they came to church first,'

After a long discussion, Rev. Smith went along with the worship service count-down clock but not until after the congregation agreed to the wake-up blast horn!

'What happened? Last week's sermon was about money being the root of all evil.'

'If you were at the super bowl, you would not want to leave before the game was over.'

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

Yonder: Roll Call Every 15 Min.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

A child interrupting family prayers

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

How's my sermon. . .