Sunday Worship Gifts

Blessed are the brief.

Using dogs as greeters at church was a failed experiment.

A blank church notice board with church in background

The offering increased substantially after being live streamed on the jumbotron.

Pastor wearing sunglasses against the hymns.

"Your sermon had everyone at rapt attention. Good move cutting the church WiFi."

"The good book says to tweet others as you would want to be tweeted."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

The pastor regretted choosing sheer baptismal robes.

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and you will never see him in church on Sunday again."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"I'm going to need a receipt."

The Good News, the Media Nothwithstanding

"I've never seen the congregation praying this hard."

"He's dumbing down the sermons again."

The new house of worship greeter.

"I call it a sermon, not an infomercial."

"So no bases are uncovered, Sister Ann gives the sermon to the deaf and Brother Brooks blogs it."

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

Sermon: '...and on the eighth day he created creationists.'

"Oh, no! Do you mean we still have to go to Church?!"

'Sermon - if he wanted us to eat genetically-modified food, h would have modified them himself.'

"It's the new church organ."

"And you thought you were having a bad hair day."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"That was one #!@* good sermon Preacher."

'AAAA. . . wait for it. . . wait for it. . . MEN!'

"When did we stop saying 'amen' and start giving the 'wave'?"

"And may the Lord in his wisdom see to it that we get our hands on some of that government scratch."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."