Sunday Mass Gifts

"Freshly ground pepper?"

The most popular Sunday at St Clive's was always the annual 'Blessing of the Smartphones' service.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

A child interrupting family prayers

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"...and in conclusion..."

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

Sermon Applause.

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."