Sunday Service Gifts

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'-and now a prayer for the roof fund...'

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

Actual Results May Vary

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth - but not the oil and mineral rights.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

St. Paul's Church: Today's sermon - 'What is hell?' (underneath says 'come hear our choir).

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

Harold stares at people he thinks the sermon is pertiment to.

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways ??" except on Sundays, when I take over."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

"Stop me if you've heard this one before."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Impressive! You went to church even on Super Bowl sundays.'

Vicar losing his place in the sermon.

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

Service lift.

Bored-again Christians.

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

'Welcome to our first ever... Casual Sunday.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

'Do you think we may be holding our new Sunday morning services too early?'