Sunday Service Gifts

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'-and now a prayer for the roof fund...'

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

Actual Results May Vary

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

Harold stares at people he thinks the sermon is pertiment to.

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways ??" except on Sundays, when I take over."

St. Paul's Church: Today's sermon - 'What is hell?' (underneath says 'come hear our choir).

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth - but not the oil and mineral rights.'

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

"Stop me if you've heard this one before."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Bored-again Christians.

Vicar losing his place in the sermon.

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

Service lift.

'Impressive! You went to church even on Super Bowl sundays.'

'We were forced to leave our last church when some visitors took our seats.'

'Welcome to our first ever... Casual Sunday.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

How's my sermon. . .

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"The minister is known to do a mic drop after a particularly good sermon."

"First, you have to get their attention."

"-Haven't seen my notes for Sunday's sermon lying about anywhere, dear?"

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'