Sunday Service Regular Gifts

Vicar losing his place in the sermon.

"After David slew Goliath, did they test him for steroids?"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

A child interrupting family prayers

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'St. Joseph's Church,today's sermon, the road to heaven (free maps)'

How's my sermon. . .

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

"...and in conclusion..."

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

Sermon Applause.

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'