Parish Regulars Gifts

"We're callin' 'im Bill, coz he came at the end of the month"

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Skip the TSA scans by wearing a Burka

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

"Is it horny in here, or is it just me?"

Fitness in church.

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Oh him, that's Ron. He's a permanent fixture in here."

'You're away, Doc!'

Man at bar: 'Drinking to forget?' Other man: 'Don't remind me!'

Eating the Cocktail Olive

"They're flipping to see who pays for the meal."

'Hi, I'm Raoul...I shall be your talking point of the evening.'

"I haven't seen you in church lately, Mr. Smedly..."

'Lost again. I hope you kept a diary of your trip.'

'Great idea, Pete!'

A curate dining with some hunters

'The usual.'

'Bartender! Will you please explain why my gaze has fallen upon a piece of wall not plastered with a blaring high-def TV???'

"They're passing a plate? Great, I'm starved!"

'One door closed, another opened, and I fell right out the window.'

Two men attempt to use the same snooker cue.

church

"My wife will have the number 2. I'll have the number five. And the kids will split an order of the number nine." "2 + 5 + 4 1/2 + 4 1/2 = 16"

Itchy Butt 50

"The doctor at table 3 said he wanted his toast STAT."

"My parents will come to church again if you switch to rose."

"A bloody Mary, Chuck-weapons grade."

A shy parish cleric seeking to talk business with a lady

'Tch! We're not eating Mexican again, are we?' 'Well, I'd look pretty silly going into an Italian restaurant dressed like this.'