Parish Regulars Gifts

"We're callin' 'im Bill, coz he came at the end of the month"

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Skip the TSA scans by wearing a Burka

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

Fitness in church.

"Is it horny in here, or is it just me?"

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Oh him, that's Ron. He's a permanent fixture in here."

'You're away, Doc!'

The waitstaff at Luigi's like to have fun when they administered the Heimlich maneuver.

'Hi, I'm Raoul...I shall be your talking point of the evening.'

Eating the Cocktail Olive

"They're flipping to see who pays for the meal."

"I haven't seen you in church lately, Mr. Smedly..."

'Lost again. I hope you kept a diary of your trip.'

Man at bar: 'Drinking to forget?' Other man: 'Don't remind me!'

'Great idea, Pete!'

'The usual.'

A curate dining with some hunters

'Bartender! Will you please explain why my gaze has fallen upon a piece of wall not plastered with a blaring high-def TV???'

Two men attempt to use the same snooker cue.

church

Are we a bunch of losers? Who are you talking about? Me, Randy, Sadie, even you Uncle Mort – all of us cafe regulars. We've been hanging out at this place for years. I've been working here two decades. Do we have nowhere else to go? More powerful even than inertia: Any momentum killed by an uncompromising nap regimen. Zzzz.

"My wife will have the number 2. I'll have the number five. And the kids will split an order of the number nine." "2 + 5 + 4 1/2 + 4 1/2 = 16"

I'm sorry, sir, but the bill is correct. The sign says "Kid Seat Free," not "Kids eat free."

'One door closed, another opened, and I fell right out the window.'

Itchy Butt 50

"The doctor at table 3 said he wanted his toast STAT."

"They're passing a plate? Great, I'm starved!"

"My parents will come to church again if you switch to rose."

"A bloody Mary, Chuck-weapons grade."

A shy parish cleric seeking to talk business with a lady