Habitual Regulars Gifts

Are we a bunch of losers? Who are you talking about? Me, Randy, Sadie, even you Uncle Mort – all of us cafe regulars. We've been hanging out at this place for years. I've been working here two decades. Do we have nowhere else to go? More powerful even than inertia: Any momentum killed by an uncompromising nap regimen. Zzzz.

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

'Every time I turn my back, he's learned another one of your bad habits.'

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

'Tell me about your feelings of alienation.'

Skip the TSA scans by wearing a Burka

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

"Is it horny in here, or is it just me?"

Wife asking husband what resolutions he is going to make for the new century

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Oh him, that's Ron. He's a permanent fixture in here."

"I know, I know — it looks silly, but you can’t imagine how warm I am."

Second to Nun

The waitstaff at Luigi's like to have fun when they administered the Heimlich maneuver.

'Hi, I'm Raoul...I shall be your talking point of the evening.'

"They're flipping to see who pays for the meal."

Eating the Cocktail Olive

Man at bar: 'Drinking to forget?' Other man: 'Don't remind me!'

'Great idea, Pete!'

'The usual.'

'Bartender! Will you please explain why my gaze has fallen upon a piece of wall not plastered with a blaring high-def TV???'

"The doctor at table 3 said he wanted his toast STAT."

'One door closed, another opened, and I fell right out the window.'

'My job is safe. This guy is a regular and he drinks to forget.'

I'm sorry, sir, but the bill is correct. The sign says "Kid Seat Free," not "Kids eat free."

"My wife will have the number 2. I'll have the number five. And the kids will split an order of the number nine." "2 + 5 + 4 1/2 + 4 1/2 = 16"

Two men attempt to use the same snooker cue.

Itchy Butt 50

"A bloody Mary, Chuck-weapons grade."

'Tch! We're not eating Mexican again, are we?' 'Well, I'd look pretty silly going into an Italian restaurant dressed like this.'

"I'm eating for two-for me and the me who is on a diet."

"As long as you're over 18, and I'll accept dog years."

Because it contains thousands of individual characters, burping the alphabet in Japan is truly a glorious achievement.