Habitual Regulars Pillows

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

'Every time I turn my back, he's learned another one of your bad habits.'

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

Skip the TSA scans by wearing a Burka

'Tell me about your feelings of alienation.'

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

"Is it horny in here, or is it just me?"

Wife asking husband what resolutions he is going to make for the new century

"Oh him, that's Ron. He's a permanent fixture in here."

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"I know, I know — it looks silly, but you can’t imagine how warm I am."

Second to Nun

Man at bar: 'Drinking to forget?' Other man: 'Don't remind me!'

Eating the Cocktail Olive

"They're flipping to see who pays for the meal."

'Hi, I'm Raoul...I shall be your talking point of the evening.'

'Great idea, Pete!'

'The usual.'

'Bartender! Will you please explain why my gaze has fallen upon a piece of wall not plastered with a blaring high-def TV???'

"The doctor at table 3 said he wanted his toast STAT."

"My wife will have the number 2. I'll have the number five. And the kids will split an order of the number nine." "2 + 5 + 4 1/2 + 4 1/2 = 16"

'One door closed, another opened, and I fell right out the window.'

'My job is safe. This guy is a regular and he drinks to forget.'

Itchy Butt 50

Two men attempt to use the same snooker cue.

"A bloody Mary, Chuck-weapons grade."

'Tch! We're not eating Mexican again, are we?' 'Well, I'd look pretty silly going into an Italian restaurant dressed like this.'

Because it contains thousands of individual characters, burping the alphabet in Japan is truly a glorious achievement.

"I'm eating for two-for me and the me who is on a diet."

"As long as you're over 18, and I'll accept dog years."