Restaurant Regulars Gifts

'Great idea, Pete!'

Lunch at P.J. Puberty's

The waitstaff at Luigi's like to have fun when they administered the Heimlich maneuver.

'Tch! We're not eating Mexican again, are we?' 'Well, I'd look pretty silly going into an Italian restaurant dressed like this.'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I'm eating for two-for me and the me who is on a diet."

"Whoa! A little more than I anticipated. . . Can you give me a moment while I pop out to the bank?"

"They're flipping to see who pays for the meal."

"The doctor at table 3 said he wanted his toast STAT."

'Hi, I'm Raoul...I shall be your talking point of the evening.'

What's this charge for shipping and handling?

'Gesundheit, , , what's wrong need a kleenex or something'

'Who had the 'Chicken-a-la King'?'

No fly tipping.

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

I'm sorry, sir, but the bill is correct. The sign says "Kid Seat Free," not "Kids eat free."

Menu. Menu. Of all of my "must-reads," this is my favorite.

"My wife will have the number 2. I'll have the number five. And the kids will split an order of the number nine." "2 + 5 + 4 1/2 + 4 1/2 = 16"

"It says, 'There are people waiting for your table.' "

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

'A cheeky red?'

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

Kung food restaurant (Waiter flies through the air bringing the food).

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Rump roast?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'