Church Group Regular Gifts

'Tut, tut, Father Clancy, we missed you at bingo Friday...'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

AA Meeting Here Today

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"That's our new church mascot."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Midwest Winter Items.

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

BIBLE STORIES, 'This is full of battle and other BOY stuff - not a single romantic comedy!'

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Nativity - The sitcom

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

"We're callin' 'im Bill, coz he came at the end of the month"

'We beseech thee oh Lord, tweet us they word.'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

'I hate the new vicar's cheese and wine parties.'

'...And for those of you who cant remember the words...'

Jesus swept.

After finishing his 5 minute guitar riff, John realized the silence was due to his filling in on the traditional service worship team that particular Sunday morning.

'You're away, Doc!'

"I really liked that stuff you were saying about all of us being sinners and how we're damned for eternity."

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

Today's Sermon: Are You Praying Or Just Looking At Your Phones?

"What d'you say we try sneaking out before the last one?"

'Reverend, my husband didn't make it to church today. Could I have a list of the sins you mentioned in your sermon?'