Church Group Member Gifts

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"That's our new church mascot."

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Midwest Winter Items.

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

Church Restoration Fund.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

'Nobody's leaving till I get the offering plate back!'

Four Chanting Monks

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'We beseech thee oh Lord, tweet us they word.'

"Relax, the vicar's surrounded the place with mouse traps."

'We're donating our organist to science.'

'We finally nailed down where our congregation's priorities lie!'

Keyboard in Front of a Organ

When a teen finds out his parents are volunteering in the youth group.

Choirboy

"Can we discuss this?"

'Page 37 in your hymnals and selection #15 on your iPods.'

'So, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the financial report is approved.'

"Prayer does work! I wasn't picked for any of the church committees."

"It's the new church organ."

'Technically, you do qualify for five weeks of vacation, but your request for 35 Sundays off has to go under review.'

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

Growing Churches