Church Community Member Gifts

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

"We had 17 first time viewers on the live stream sermon today." (pastor talking to his wife)

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"That's our new church mascot."

Human Rights for All

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Midwest Winter Items.

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

Church Restoration Fund.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

Vicar prays for money for church repairs.

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

'Nobody's leaving till I get the offering plate back!'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'We beseech thee oh Lord, tweet us they word.'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

"Relax, the vicar's surrounded the place with mouse traps."

"Can we discuss this?"

'We're donating our organist to science.'

'We finally nailed down where our congregation's priorities lie!'

When a teen finds out his parents are volunteering in the youth group.

'Page 37 in your hymnals and selection #15 on your iPods.'

'So, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the financial report is approved.'

"Prayer does work! I wasn't picked for any of the church committees."

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

'Technically, you do qualify for five weeks of vacation, but your request for 35 Sundays off has to go under review.'

Growing Churches

"Of course I would love to host a spa day for all pastor's wives."

'It was all she had to offer, vicar.'