Church Community Leader Gifts

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"That's our new church mascot."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

"Tia Carmen, if times are tough, how come you're giving money away?"

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

Obama Yes We Can.

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

'To avoid possible schism, a period of careful reflection is needed before changing the light-bulb.'

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

Follow God On Twitter

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

The Old Enemies - Catholics and Protestants

"Could you make it a quick sermon? I get my Easter basket right after church."

VOTE, 'I'll never lie to you, and this time I mean it!'

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

"Finally...it's here! Only the best $20 I've ever spent!"