Church Leader Gifts

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

Follow God On Twitter

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'Don't worry. I'm a church pastor. First little problem, and they'll find me.'

'We beseech thee oh Lord, tweet us they word.'

"Today's sermon is based on the story of Cain and Abel, or as I like to call it, CSI: Eden..."

Kid to pastor: 'Doesn't Jesus worry about approval ratings?'

"First, you have to get their attention."

Toilets in a church: 'Men,' 'Amen,' 'Women.'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

"If the meek are going to inherit this earth, they're going to have to toughen up."

Fred noticed the mission trip list was different from when he was a youth.

"Could you make it a quick sermon? I get my Easter basket right after church."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Framed dollar in church secretary office says 'Our First Offering'

The Old Enemies - Catholics and Protestants

'All denominations are welcome in this church... fives, tens, twenties...'

'Pastor: no compromising allowed.'

"As it says in Matthew 26-40, 'So, you had not the strength to stay awake with me ONE hour?'"

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

Problems facing Church of England in UK.

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"We had 17 first time viewers on the live stream sermon today." (pastor talking to his wife)

Why there are no church hecklers.

"What d'you say we try sneaking out before the last one?"

"The buck really stops with him."

"Hmmm...says here that you were in charge of your church's Puppet Ministry."

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

The most popular Sunday at St Clive's was always the annual 'Blessing of the Smartphones' service.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"The money has been great since Death took up the collection."

"Who knew that behind that affable smile that Il Papa was such a strict disciplinarian?"

"The Choir Director's out sick, so they're all a but lost."