Church Leader Gifts

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

Follow God On Twitter

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'Don't worry. I'm a church pastor. First little problem, and they'll find me.'

'We beseech thee oh Lord, tweet us they word.'

Kid to pastor: 'Doesn't Jesus worry about approval ratings?'

Fred noticed the mission trip list was different from when he was a youth.

"If the meek are going to inherit this earth, they're going to have to toughen up."

"First, you have to get their attention."

Toilets in a church: 'Men,' 'Amen,' 'Women.'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

'Pastor: no compromising allowed.'

"We had 17 first time viewers on the live stream sermon today." (pastor talking to his wife)

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

Problems facing Church of England in UK.

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"Could you make it a quick sermon? I get my Easter basket right after church."

'All denominations are welcome in this church... fives, tens, twenties...'

The Old Enemies - Catholics and Protestants

Framed dollar in church secretary office says 'Our First Offering'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"Hmmm...says here that you were in charge of your church's Puppet Ministry."

Why there are no church hecklers.

"What d'you say we try sneaking out before the last one?"

"The buck really stops with him."

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

The most popular Sunday at St Clive's was always the annual 'Blessing of the Smartphones' service.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"That's how the congregation looks when I ask for volunteers."

"The Choir Director's out sick, so they're all a but lost."

"Who knew that behind that affable smile that Il Papa was such a strict disciplinarian?"