Church Music Leader Gifts

'You're not what we hand in mind when we advertised for a new organist.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Hildegard von Bingen

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"That's our new church mascot."

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

CCTV in church.

"Tia Carmen, if times are tough, how come you're giving money away?"

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

Nun Binning the Devil

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

'To avoid possible schism, a period of careful reflection is needed before changing the light-bulb.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

"It's a cup holder."

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

Follow God On Twitter

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'And if it ain't baroque, don't fix it.'

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'