Church Choir Leader Gifts

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Hildegard von Bingen

"Please! No harmonizing during ululations!"

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"That's our new church mascot."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

"Tia Carmen, if times are tough, how come you're giving money away?"

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Maybe we should just let heaven and nature sing."

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

Mexican angels.

Tenors

'To avoid possible schism, a period of careful reflection is needed before changing the light-bulb.'

Angel playing music

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

Follow God On Twitter

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

The Old Enemies - Catholics and Protestants

"Could you make it a quick sermon? I get my Easter basket right after church."

'It helps with reception.'

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."